A deep hatred for the world grew in me when my brother died. It was then that I decided the world was an evil place, and there was no god. For many years I lived seeing the world as a completely ugly place with no point. I began drinking, partying, and having no care in the world about my life. However the night of my 10-year-old dog’ death I had a dream that changed me.
When she died I was forced to confront my belief that after you die that’s it. Thoughts such as: there’s no after life, the end is the end, and there’s no more chances to ever be with her again, filled my head. I thought about how she died such a horrible death, and there was nothing I could do about it. I felt miserable, and immersed in a sea of thoughts that further drowned me even deeper into despair and hatred. She accidentally hung herself when my uncle was watching her.
I had often wondered what I was going to feel like when she died because I couldn’t pin point, or measure, how strong my love for her was. You never know how much it’s going to hurt. Imagining the pain is not as horrible as actually going through it. It’s quite ironic because I had never felt like she was my dog; she was originally my cousin’s dog. She was a very high maintenance animal, and I was constantly taking care of her because her skin had allergy’s in the summer. The time I spent with her created a strange bond.
I couldn’t stop crying that day and feeling so guilty that I couldn’t protect her from such a horrible fate. I would get frustrated with her a lot because she always needed something. That day I remember even getting a little mad because she had peed on the floor in my room. When my uncle told me the news I was numb. Then, out of nowhere, an uncontrollable weeping fit that took over me like if I was possessed by the essence of pure sorrow. I went to bed that night with my face freshly wet with tears.
After I finally passed out from exhaustion I only had one dream that night. I was in an empty space and I knew I was dreaming. I was aware of what reality had in store for me when I woke up, but then she came to me. She was alive, happy, and showing me that she was okay. She showing me that she was still alive, but just not in this reality. This dream defied everything I believed in for the past ten years, but I didn’t care because in that moment believing in life after death made me happier than anything ever has.
Life is full of mysteries and I can’t say it better than Esche Jackson in her essay, The Casper in Me, “the force that grabbed me was as invisible as I felt.” Something magical happened to me even though I had always felt so empty, alone, and pointless. This dream showed me that the possibility does exist. I no longer feel like I’m alone and pointless. There’s this strange force that exists, which I can only say feels like the essence of “gods” love. Without this love, this force, this invisible faith, I would be lost.
Believing she is alive in another reality is just as valid as believing she isn’t so I prefer to believe what gives me the strength to keep on living. I know it sounds crazy but it is what it is.